2009 Theme: Found

From my random mind….

Getting Found April 11, 2009

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 12:28 pm

I have a tattoo on my left wrist. It says “Beloved”. I chose the word itself and the location for specific reasons.
The word “Beloved” is such a simple, beautiful word. God calls his children his beloved. I read a book a while back where the author said that Be Loved is the gospel summed up in two words. God (BE) loved and that set the stage for everything else…
The location comes from a verse in Isaiah, (49:16) God says “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” My name is engraved on the palms of His hands. So, I decided to engrave my own name (which is my identity) on my hand, a constant reminder of who I really am.

You’re probably wondering what the heck my point is in this grand explanation… Here goes:

I went to church last night, for the first time in a while. I felt very awkward walking in, like someone could actually see how far away I’ve pushed myself from God and everything associated with Him. Like my sin was actually a giant crimson stain, discernible to the naked eye. And I sat down and caught a glimpse of my wrist. Of the word that is supposed to be my identity, the constant reminder of who I am and who’s I am. And it flashed like a neon sign at me. All of the times recently when I haven’t been anywhere close to His beloved, all of the deliberate, willful decisions I’ve made to do exactly the opposite of what I know is right, that giant crimson stain I put on myself.

So I cried. I cried for the heartache I’ve caused my Father, for the pain I’ve caused myself, for the mess I’ve made trying to be in control of something that was never mine to control. And then I cried because I realized that He knew all of this, all along. That none of my selfishness is a surprise to Him. And none of it is beyond forgiveness. Nothing I have done has caused Him to love me any less. I came home last night to a Father who has been watching the road for me ever since I left. I decided that this year I would work on being Found (see post below)… I think I’m on my way…


Hello Again! February 21, 2009

Filed under: Life Lessons,Musings — jennifersworld @ 10:30 am

Since New Year’s Eve 2005, Crystal, Meg and I have had a tradition (Meg started it!) where instead of making new years resolutions we chose a theme to define the year ahead. Resolutions get broken way to easily (mine are usually done by January 2!) The first year, mine was “Expect the unexpected” which was followed quickly by “Be content where you are”. After that came “Play the Game” and last year was “No Day but Today”; learning to take life one day at a time, not trying to borrow trouble from the next day.
This year, my theme is: Found.

It is taken from the lyrics to a song by the Fray.
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

I gotta little lost after I finished Grad school. I changed so much in the 12 months I was becoming a behavior analyst. Some changes for the good, and the jury is still out on some others. But all those changes left me struggling to figure out where I am, who I am and what I need to do… But I’m done being lost. I am ready to be found…


Truth June 21, 2007

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 9:23 pm

What does it mean to speak the truth in love? (See Ephesians 4:15 – Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.)


Home May 14, 2007

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 7:28 pm

I went home Friday night, to a bookstore in Lawrence. Now, I realize I don’t live in a bookstore in Lawrence, but it was home just the same. My friend Aimee and I went to Signs of Life bookstore to see our friend Tyler play guitar and sing. There were some old friends from KU there, and we caught up on life. It was like coming home again. My house in Leavenworth is home to me because of all the memories and love that it holds. My grandparents houses in California and Wyoming are home for the same reasons. Lawrence is home because I grew up there, I started to figure out who the heck I am there. Home is so much more about the state of your heart then a physical place.
Where is your home?


Dear Grandpa April 17, 2007

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 9:02 pm

If you’re reading this, you probably know me, and if you know me, you probably know what has happened to my church family this past weekend. Long story short: Our senior pastor resigned after admiting an extra-marital affair with another member of our staff. My mom told my grandparents about my my anger and hurt following this situation. The following is the letter that I wrote to my grandfather explaining my emotions in this situation.

I would like to explain my feelings to you because I believe that you misunderstood what mom told you about my reaction to this situation.
First of all, I am not in any way judging Pastor Dave. I am completely aware of my own depravity. I am also aware that this sin my pastor has committed is no worse than anything that I myself have done. I am so grateful for the redemption I am offered in Christ.
I am hurt because a man I trusted and loved and respected has done something I never thought possible. And I hurt because his family, his wife and 5 children (that I have worked with and love dearly) are hurting. My church family is reeling from the loss of our leader. We all hurt; we all mourn what could have been.
And I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for not praying for my pastor more, for not realizing how delicate a position he was in and how much he needed me to intercede for him. I’m angry that Satan was able to tempt an amazing man and woman into breaking their marriage vows and irrevocably changing their families. I’m angry that sin exists at all.
I am not in any way throwing myself a pity party. I know the real victims in all of this and I’m not one of them. But I will continue to grieve this situation, as I know that it grieves the Father too. I will support the families and the new leadership at my church and I will be on my face before God praying that His grace will prevail and our church will bounce back from this crisis stronger than before, more diligent in our prayers for our leaders, more forgiving, more able to deal with the crises that are sure to come.


Rooster tree wrap up April 15, 2007

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 1:07 pm

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame… And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise. From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out


Lenten Reflections April 1, 2007

Filed under: Life Lessons — jennifersworld @ 8:48 pm

Redeem: to buy back, repurchase; to rescue with a ransom

“but the harder i try, the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all.” (Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)

Sin: a violation of conscience or divine law; missing the mark.

It’s become such a benign word -sin- a euphemism for unpleasant things, a way to pacify our thinking. It’s so easy to say “I’m a sinner” and never really have that mean anything to us. We ask God to forgive our sins- but what are we asking forgiveness from? We don’t want to be specific with our sins because then we are confronted with just how depraved we are, how evil and filthy and mean we truly are. And if we name specific sins, the actions, thoughts, and desires we have that aren’t of God- we might have to change them.

1 Peter 2:1 “Therefore rid yourselves of all malice and deceit and hypocrisy, envy and slander. “

When we sanitize our depravity – call it “sin” and go on about our lives, we minimize Grace. If we “aren’t that bad” then God’s unmerited favor doesn’t mean anything. We cheapen it, we make it seem like Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t as vital as it is.

“i am full of earth, stained with dirt prone to depravity:
“You are heaven’s worth, everything that is bright and clean, the Antonym of me. You are Divinity. “(Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)

It boils down to this:

I am a liar and a cheat. I am malicious and mean and inconsiderate and uncompassionate. I am jealous and judging and hypicritical. I gossip, I am lustful and selfish.

I am depraved

You are: perfect, Holy, Love, Truth, Life, jealous (in the right way) everything I’m not and never will be on my own.

Grace is: that even with all my faults, You traded places with me and gave me value. You redeemed me, turned me into someone who is like you.
When I admidt my depravity- bring it to the light and allow You and my community to see it, I give Your Grace full weight.

“This might could be the most impossible thing- Your grandness in me, making me clean” (Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)