Dear Grandpa April 17, 2007

If you’re reading this, you probably know me, and if you know me, you probably know what has happened to my church family this past weekend. Long story short: Our senior pastor resigned after admiting an extra-marital affair with another member of our staff. My mom told my grandparents about my my anger and hurt following this situation. The following is the letter that I wrote to my grandfather explaining my emotions in this situation.

Grandpa,
I would like to explain my feelings to you because I believe that you misunderstood what mom told you about my reaction to this situation.
First of all, I am not in any way judging Pastor Dave. I am completely aware of my own depravity. I am also aware that this sin my pastor has committed is no worse than anything that I myself have done. I am so grateful for the redemption I am offered in Christ.
I am hurt because a man I trusted and loved and respected has done something I never thought possible. And I hurt because his family, his wife and 5 children (that I have worked with and love dearly) are hurting. My church family is reeling from the loss of our leader. We all hurt; we all mourn what could have been.
And I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for not praying for my pastor more, for not realizing how delicate a position he was in and how much he needed me to intercede for him. I’m angry that Satan was able to tempt an amazing man and woman into breaking their marriage vows and irrevocably changing their families. I’m angry that sin exists at all.
I am not in any way throwing myself a pity party. I know the real victims in all of this and I’m not one of them. But I will continue to grieve this situation, as I know that it grieves the Father too. I will support the families and the new leadership at my church and I will be on my face before God praying that His grace will prevail and our church will bounce back from this crisis stronger than before, more diligent in our prayers for our leaders, more forgiving, more able to deal with the crises that are sure to come.

Rooster tree wrap up April 15, 2007

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame… And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise. From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out

Lenten Reflections April 1, 2007

Redeem: to buy back, repurchase; to rescue with a ransom

“but the harder i try, the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all.” (Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)

Sin: a violation of conscience or divine law; missing the mark.

It’s become such a benign word -sin- a euphemism for unpleasant things, a way to pacify our thinking. It’s so easy to say “I’m a sinner” and never really have that mean anything to us. We ask God to forgive our sins- but what are we asking forgiveness from? We don’t want to be specific with our sins because then we are confronted with just how depraved we are, how evil and filthy and mean we truly are. And if we name specific sins, the actions, thoughts, and desires we have that aren’t of God- we might have to change them.

1 Peter 2:1 “Therefore rid yourselves of all malice and deceit and hypocrisy, envy and slander. “

When we sanitize our depravity – call it “sin” and go on about our lives, we minimize Grace. If we “aren’t that bad” then God’s unmerited favor doesn’t mean anything. We cheapen it, we make it seem like Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t as vital as it is.

“i am full of earth, stained with dirt prone to depravity:
“You are heaven’s worth, everything that is bright and clean, the Antonym of me. You are Divinity. “(Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)

It boils down to this:

I am a liar and a cheat. I am malicious and mean and inconsiderate and uncompassionate. I am jealous and judging and hypicritical. I gossip, I am lustful and selfish.

I am depraved

You are: perfect, Holy, Love, Truth, Life, jealous (in the right way) everything I’m not and never will be on my own.

Grace is: that even with all my faults, You traded places with me and gave me value. You redeemed me, turned me into someone who is like you.
When I admidt my depravity- bring it to the light and allow You and my community to see it, I give Your Grace full weight.

“This might could be the most impossible thing- Your grandness in me, making me clean” (Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band)